


Activating Co-Op

by bimothra



Category: Half-Life VR but the AI is Self-Aware - Fandom
Genre: Canon-Typical Stupidity, HLVRAI is a video game, M/M, Roleswap AU, postgame au, the original character is the player! they’re named neo :)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:47:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25072600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bimothra/pseuds/bimothra
Summary: Neo was a video editor who lived on their own.Gordon was a sentient alien glitch.Can I make it any more obvious?(Oh, and the rest of the science team is there too- it’s your usual postgame cuteness, with a bit of a roleswap twist)
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman, Gordon Freeman/Original Character
Comments: 114
Kudos: 298





	1. Neo’s Home Invasion Experience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gordon want OUT.

Neo was a normal person, somewhat unremarkable from an outside perspective.

Gordon Freeman was a glitched final boss, appearing in the game as an otherworldly being mimicking a guard.

Neo was alive, and lived in a tiny house in the real world.

Gordon Freeman was none of those things. 

...

As of right now, all Gordon could really do was... slowly chip away at the void that he’d come to know as the “game-over plane”- his little skeleton stint at Dave & Busters was just him piloting another vessel... the REAL Gordon, or at least what was left of him, was considered dead. 

That wasn’t very good for what he had in mind. 

What Gordon wanted most of all was... WAS it revenge? It’s not like he was MAD at Benrey- Well, not angrier than he usually was at that smug little troublemaker. 

Gordon wanted to really give that guy a scare. But... how?

He supposed once he made it out of the game-over plane, he could have free access to Benrey’s computer. Oh, maybe he could delete some of his PRECIOUS video games that guy loved so much...

Maybe he could even appear in another game! Make Benrey play as him... crash the game...

Oh, or open his paint program and paint threats. 

Gordon rubbed his hands together, laughing. He didn’t really notice that every last one of his plans sounded INCREDIBLY stupid, considering he had been alone with his thoughts for... he didn’t even KNOW how long.

It had been long, though, and Gordon just KNEW he was about done recharging. He concentrated, focusing on his old power.

Focus, Gordon... Focus. You’re the single most powerful entity in... This game. You have the power to break out of the confines of it. You have the power to...!

Gordon felt his body tremble, as parts of him got ripped into code, bit by bit. Pixels of him all assembled, one by one, as Gordon looked around, observing his new surroundings...

It was dark.

Benrey must have his computer turned off. On one hand, that made sneaking around all the more easier... on the other hand, he couldn’t see shit. 

He tried Sweet Voicing a few times, but their lighting was weak, and it didn’t really help him navigate when his path forward now looked like a shitty rave.

Gordon collided with something large, and rectangular- 

Ahh. This must be the start menu. Gordon thought long and hard. Where was the rest of the desktop in relation to this again...? 

Left, probably.

Yeah.

Definitely left. 

Gordon inched to the left, dipping his foot over the start bar and feeling a wire. Benrey was a gamer, right? If he did enough recon, then he was right that gamers usually have two monitors. This must connect to the other side. 

Gordon slipped into the wire, the wire crackling with electricity as it gave away where he was. It was a loooong wire, but he kept going. The spark of electricity eventually sputtered out at the outlet the wire was connected to, and the plug slowly started to lift itself out of its socket, hanging in the air. 

A final crackle spat itself out of the outlet, as it started glowing a neon blue. Light pooled out of it, forming the shape of one foot- then another. A humanoid shape formed out of the light, tendrils slowly emerging from around their head. 

The light faded, and there, standing in the game room, was Gordon Freeman. 

It was... still dark, so he sighed, feeling his way around. 

“Come on, Benrey, you’ve got to have a file SOMEWHERE...” Gordon grunted, his hand brushing over a surface that wasn’t.. entirely flat. He played with it some more, flicking what he eventually discovered was a switch. 

A soft, yellow light filled the room, and Gordon found out the thing he had just flipped was, in fact, a lamp with a leg in fishnets and heels as a stand.

“Benrey, why the fuck do you have this...” Gordon muttered. 

Wait- a lamp?

Gordon did a quick spin once more.

This... this was not a desktop.

This was a house.

...Maybe he should have turned right.

Gordon started to panic, looking around for where Benrey was. Was he even home? It was dark, so maybe not. He headed out to check. 

Gordon nearly tripped over an air mattress.

He looked down at his feet, and on the air mattress, was someone who looked like they might be dead. Pale, unkempt, and with dark circles that could match a raccoon’s face mask... The only indication Gordon had they were still alive was the slow rising and falling of their chest.

Gordon crouched, positioning himself near the mystery person’s face. He thought hard- why would this person be lying on the ground?

They weren’t bleeding out, he was... PRETTY sure they weren’t poisoned or anything... 

Gordon curiously lifted the person’s hand up, dropping it and watching it bounce on the mattress before landing, the person grunting in their sleep.

Maybe... they were working really hard. He remembered whenever Benrey had decided they had gone on far enough, him and the rest of the science team would lie on the ground and close their eyes for a few hours. 

That was the same as this, right? Had this person gone to a journey all the way to Benrey’s house?  
Gordon leaned in closer, wanting to get a closer look. The stranger had a messy mop of hair that... well, it looked like it was SUPPOSED to be shaved off on one side, but their hair was so long that some of it ended up resting back over there anyways. 

Gordon brushed their hair out of their face, watching them closely for any signs of-

The person’s eyes fluttered open, and they whined softly. 

-Movement. 

“C’mon, man, five more minutes...” They croaked, eyes shutting again. 

Why did that voice sound like-?

“...Benrey??”

This time, the person’s eyes SNAPPED open, and they stared at Gordon like a deer in headlights.

“Gordon???”

They looked terrified- like, genuinely terrified. 

“Please don’t kill me,” he squeaked. 

“Wh- No, I’m not gonna kill you!” Gordon said with a huff, folding his arms and leaning back.

“Dude... you’re real,” they said quietly.  
“You’re real, and you’re here to kill me, because that’s what you always do,” He said, retracting their hands quickly as they spiralled.

“Come on, man, don’t- snap out of it,” Gordon said quickly.

“No!” The person yelled, tugging his hoodie over his head. “You’re gonna- gonna do SOMETHING to me, cos you’re WEIRD and SCARY an’ always YELLING AT ME...” 

Gordon sighed, looking away. “Look. I won’t-“  
“That was at Black Mesa. Things are... different now.”  
He glanced back up at them, lowering his arms. “I’ll... see, I’ll even let you feel how... real I am? And the entire time, I won’t kill you.”  
“That’s, um... one of your human trust exercises, right?”

Benrey sat there for a while, but eventually moved to look at Gordon, studying him from head to toe curiously. He moved his hand forward in a silent request to touch, and Gordon obliged. Benrey adjusted his helmet, squished his face, and let his tendrils run through their hands.

It seemed like that terror was slowly melting away, and Benrey opened his mouth to say the first thing he could after regaining his composure. 

“Were you watching me sleep? Kinda gay of you,” Benrey said with a smirk Gordon had seen one too many times. 

“I wasn’t!” Gordon spluttered. “I was just... waiting for you to wake up. That’s all.”

“To tell me what you’re doing in my house and room?” Benrey leaned forward, his tired eyes fixated on Gordon.

“Ugh... Okay. But you’re not gonna like it.”  
Gordon sighed. “I broke out of the game to get revenge and, I don’t fucking know, mess with your files or something. And I took a wrong turn at the desktop, and... went down the outlet plug. I guess.”

“Duuuuude,” Benrey said with a laugh, patting his hands on his knees rapidly. “That’s AWESOME. Up top.”

He lifted his hand for a high-five, and Gordon did so awkwardly.

“I thought you’d be a lot more mad... for a lot longer,” Gordon grumbled. 

“I mean...” Benrey said, playing with their foot-shaped necklace.

...Why did he have these things.

“Getting my hand cut off was a bit of a dick move, and I think your god power gave me a little shock in my VR gear, but, um- I DID get a bit too into character n’ stuff. I have both hands, see?” Benrey stuck his hands in front of Gordon’s face.

“...Yeah. I see that, Benrey,” Gordon replied.

“You can call me Neo,” Ben- er, Neo...? said with a grin. “That’s my real name.”

“Your REAL name?” Gordon said, his voice ascending three pitches. “Your name ISN’T Benrey?! You LIED to me, you miscreant! Do you have ANY idea how stupid that is? Running around and saying you’re NOT dangerous when you don’t even have the RIGHT NAME??”

Neo shrugged. “Umm, usually people don’t use... their real name? Not in games like this.”  
Their eyes darted away from Gordon as they put the foot necklace in their mouth, chewing nervously.  
“‘S video game characters... the player wuz Barney... n’ I wann’d to see if I could make NPCs say it a bit- a bit fucked up...”

Gordon tucked his tendrils down in embarrassment. “Oh... yeah. I guess that makes sense.”

He swallowed roughly, and found himself unable to look at Neo, who was...

He was the same old Benrey, right? But... this wasn’t Black Mesa.

Neo knew what he was. Gordon didn’t have to pretend. And even though there was this... itch that scurried down Gordon’s back whenever Neo was so nonchalant about everything... He wasn’t doing anything wrong, was he? No, this was Neo’s house.

Neo... isn’t a security breach. 

Gordon stuck out his hand quietly.

“Howdy. My name’s Gordon Freeman.”

Neo cackled, that signature weird Benrey cackle. “What’s this about, man? Got amnesia?” 

Gordon hissed, his hair flaring up before he breathed in, calming himself down.

“No, I mean- we got off on the wrong foot. I was trying to hide my identity... you were on a mission... I tried to kill you.. you DID kill me...”

“So let’s start again.”

Neo smiled, grabbing Gordon’s hand and shaking it. “Neo. What’s popping?”

Neo looked away for a moment, popping their lips awkwardly. “So, um... wanna play some... video games, or something?”

Gordon scratched his head awkwardly. “Yeah... yeah, sure.”

“No no wait!” Neo said excitedly, getting up. “I wanna show you what I’ve been working on, man! Come sit.” 

Neo sat in a large, red gamer chair, and patted an empty blue one near him labelled ‘guest chair’ with a comic sans label maker. Gordon sat, making himself comfortable, as Neo switched open their monitor. 

“Okay, so. Here’s my copy of Half-Life 1. That’s where you come from, bro,” Neo said, highlighting it. 

Gordon nodded. “Yeah, I’m following.”

“So, um... I open it up, and I click my save-game, and it takes me to a black screen. Here- trade helmets,” Neo said, making grabby hands as he held out a VR headset. 

Gordon took off his helmet, plopping it on Neo’s head and chuckling as it immediately sank down way too far. Wearing that helmet, Neo almost looked like he was always a bit angry, or serious. 

... Why was he so focused on Neo??

He put the headset on quickly, and Neo continued. “Yeahhh, sooo... you see the screen’s black still, right?”

Gordon nodded.

“Wait for it... wait for it... THERE!”

“...What do you mean, ‘there’? There was nothing there, Neo,” Gordon complained. 

Neo grunted, zooming in and blowing up the VR display. 

“Now, watch it again,” they said. “THERE!”

Gordon saw it- a few pixels of cyan.  
Then some green.  
Then some blue.

“The science team...” he muttered.

“Yeah, man. They’re still in there,” Neo said, exiting the game and tapping on Gordon’s helmet, signalling for him to lift it up. He did, and they exchanged helmets once more. Neo turned back to the computer. “I’ve been working on getting them out for the past week... got the- the gamer setup here. The air mattress. Not sleeping for um... time. Time long.”

“I think you need some sleep,” Gordon said. He didn’t really KNOW that, but... the way Neo slurred those last few words didn’t sit right with him.

“Nah ‘s good. Neo donneed sleeb,” Neo said, blinking in succession. They shook their head, opening up the next part of their little tour. “Okay, ummmm... Here’s my cooode.”

“I think it’s... really close to being finished,” Neo said with a smile. “Um... I’m not very good at this, though. So I had to get some help.. um.”

A code box opened, which Gordon assumed was Neo’s first draft.

IF: SCIENCE TEAM  
THEN: YES

Holy shit, they weren’t kidding about being bad. 

Neo closed it with a blush. “Um... so yeah. That was kinda my plan. To bring- to bring ‘em out. I was gonna show you guys Gmod, and maybe we could rob that bank ‘n shit...” 

“Robbing banks is illegal,” Gordon interrupted.

“C’mon, man,” Neo snorted, nudging him in the stomach. “Don’t be a party pooper.”

“Tch-“  
“...What’s Gmod?” Gordon asked slowly.

Neo’s eyes LIT UP. He quickly sorted through his incredibly messy desktop, opening a bunch of folders- Gordon wasn’t going to ask what “Good PS2 Games” was about- until he finally realized that Gmod had been on his desktop the whole time. 

Neo spun around to face Gordon as Gmod loaded up. “Okay, so. Half-Life, right? The company that made it got some shit called the Source Engine. This game borrows a lotta shit from the source engine. You following? Now, a lotta people just use it to dick around. But it’s, like, powerful, bro... And I wanted to show it to you guys for ooone reason in particular.”

Neo spun back around, pointing to the screen eagerly. Their player model was familiar to Gordon- Benrey. 

What was very much unfamiliar to him was how Benrey was spitting out musical, rainbow orbs. 

“Wh- HEY! I didn’t teach you that! How are you doing the Sweet Voice??” Gordon yelled, leaning over to see. 

“I think... I think you’re fucked up,” Neo said.

“Okay, rude.”

“No, no, I mean, like. You’re a glitch, dude. You were like, the really ugly final boss thing, but you’re totally a glitch, so you got the power to like- be a guard and use Gmod assets and stuff.”

Gordon blinked once or twice, cocking his head to the side as he studied the Sweet Voice. “Huh... Does it still have the same effects?”

“That’s the cool part, bro. It doesn’t. You INVENTED lore, Gordos,” Neo said with an excited grin. “Wait, wait.. can you still do it??”

Gordon frowned. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I be able to, dude?” He cleared his throat, and began to sing. 

“Wow. Gay little Gordon,” Neo muttered, trying to hide the fact they were blushing. 

Neo got beaned in the face by a red orb before Gordon continued. 

Neo reached out to touch them- the beautiful, glowing spheres that had become a different thing from the Wowozela entirely. As they stuck their fingers in, they felt a calm shudder go down their back, and they hummed pleasantly. 

“Epic.”

Gordon finished with a smile. “Thank you.”

“Oh, oh, ooone more thing...” Neo quickly tapped at his keyboard frantically, a mischievous grin spreading across his face. 

“Woah, woah, what the hell are you doing?” Gordon asked with a squint.

“Hey. Look what I can do,” Neo said, leaning back and admiring his work.

Gordon was transfixed by Benrey’s model, which was morphing and glitching exactly the way he had during the final battle.

“What the fuck-“

“Packs, my man... packs.” Neo cackled like an old hag then deactivated the changes, going back to whacking everything with a crowbar. 

“That’s... amazing, actually. I didn’t know that all my... My biology? Came from...” Gordon muttered to himself, watching his hair wrap around his finger. 

“Kinda,” Neo shrugged. “Umm... I think your thing was actually... the- the game not knowing how to handle the True Gordon. So it defaulted to- to corrupting the model. Y’know?”

“No, I don’t know, because I’m a fucking AI,” Gordon said dryly. 

Neo reached out their hand expectantly, and one of Gordon’s tendrils wrapped its way onto Neo’s finger as well.

“Man...You’re in the real world now, though? You were already self-aware and fucked up, but now you’re like. Flesh Gordon Freeman.”

“Gordon FLESHMAN!” Neo whooped, wheezing at his own joke.

Gordon rolled his eyes. But still... it was oddly reassuring. He had already come to terms with the idea that he was a video game character, but to carve out his own agency... It was a great power trip. Almost as fun as beating everyone up on Xen!

...Well, he shouldn’t say it was fun.

Even if it kinda was.

He snapped back to reality when he realized Neo was staring at him in awe.

“Dude...”

“Do you think if you made it to the real world, the science team could too??”  
He shook Gordon by the shoulders excitedly, wiggling in place. 

“Er... yeah, I guess so, man. This place big enough for them, though?” Gordon asked, looking around the room.

“Yeah, man. I’ve been looking for roomies for a while, now, but I think using some of my... resources n’ stuff, I can pick up most of the rent myself,” Neo said excitedly, wiggling his arms. 

“And I could get a job too! A human job!” Gordon added to the excitement, but Neo frowned.

“Gordo, you didn’t even know what sleeping was.”

“Well- I do NOW, okay?! Jeez,” Gordon huffed, folding his arms.

“Yeah well we’ll see. As long as your job isn’t anthropology related you SHOULD be epic and gamer. Now... Do you think we can. Um. Get them out?” Neo asked, looking at Gordon expectantly as they tapped their fingertips together.

“I think...” Gordon said, closing his eyes. “I think if I’m still strong enough, I can just boundary-break into the game and drag them all out with me.”

“Like a barrel of monkeys!” Neo added.

“Yeah. Like a barrel of monkeys. But if it doesn’t work and I get stuck there, you have to finish your code.”

“...Got that?”

“I’ll never let you rest if you don’t.”

Neo blew a raspberry. “JEEEEEZ, Gordino, Bubby’s already got a death threat on me. Don’t gotta add another to it.”

He looked away. “...Good luck, Gordon.”

“...Thanks,” Gordon said quietly, adjusting his helmet. He went over to the computer outlet, as Neo pulled up Half-Life. 

Gordon crouched near the outlet, putting his hand on the plug. Slowly, it started to lift out of the socket, that same electric blue light making up the distance between the socket and the plug. Gordon started to disappear into the light, and Neo nodded, looking back around their shoulder every few seconds. 

Gordon made his way back to the start bar, looking around Neo’s desktop-

Where’d the desktop go?

Ahh.

Gordon realized that Neo had pulled up MS Paint and was now trying to draw arrows so that Gordon wouldn’t get lost.

“HALF LIVES THIS WAYS!!!!!! :)”

God dammit, Neo. 

Gordon walked over to the black window, and slowly stuck his head inside like he was diving in a dumpster. He looked around, checking for life, only to see a group of people sitting in a circle, playing a card game.

Bubby looked over his shoulder, and flipped him off. 

“Ahh! Hello, fucker!”


	2. O Brave New World, With Such Leg Lamps In It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neo and the science team are reunited, and they go on a tour of the house!

“Yeah, nice to see you too,” Gordon snarled.

No, wait. Things were going south very quickly. Gordon knew this, and he knew this well, considering Bubby was now throwing cards at him.

“Ow! Ow! FUCK! Okay, I’m sorry. That’s what I’m here for, actually...”

He swallowed his pride.

“...To say sorry.”

Gordon stepped inside the void fully, and approached the science team with his arms out apologetically. 

“I’m SORRY for trying to kill you guys. It was MY BAD. And... I’m ready to make it up to you, by getting you into the real world,” Gordon said, wincing as he tried to gauge everyone’s reactions.

“Tommy, do you... have any 5s...?” Dr. G asked, ignoring him so hard that it winded Gordon physically. 

“Umm... Nope! Go fish!” Tommy said happily.

“Ugh...” Gordon tapped his foot, folding his arms. “LOOK. If you won’t do this for me, do it for Benrey, alright?!”

The science team all darted their heads up at the mere mention of Benrey, like if someone told a bunch of little kids that there was candy. 

“Benrey?” Bubby asked, glasses shining as he waited for more info.

“Yeah. He- listen, Benrey- you guys know this is a game, right? The player’s this... he’s actually a really chill dude. And he misses you guys a lot. I’m pretty sure he hadn’t slept in 3 days before I showed up. So...”  
“If you won’t do this for me, or for yourselves, at least do it for them.”

The group conversed amongst themselves, before Bubby nodded. 

“I’ve always wanted to set fire to shit in real life. Let’s do this.” 

  
“Okay... Grab my hand,” Gordon said, extending his arm out expectantly.

Bubby grabbed, and Gordon was... relatively unsurprised when his entire arm caught alight.

“Whoops,” Bubby said, clearly not sorry in the slightest. Coomer grabbed onto Bubby’s other hand, followed by Dr. G, then finally, Tommy. 

They really did all look like a barrel of monkeys. 

Gordon made sure his grip on Bubby was tight, then, with all his might, ran at where he felt the edge was. He made it through easily, and he could feel the rest of them coming after- nobody was shouting that someone was left behind, so that was a good sign-

Hold on.

What the fuck was going on behind him?

“Neo,” Gordon said, turning to face where he thought the screen was. “Turn your mic on.”

“Yeah man? What’s up?” Neo’s voice asked him innocently.

Gordon gestured to the MS Paint canvas behind him, which was full of shitty skeleton drawings along with one HH Gregg.

“What the fuck is this?”

“I dunno man, I got bored.”

Gordon huffed, blowing some hair out of his face. “-Okay, whatever. Come on, guys, this way.” He did feel somewhat important, being the leader of the science team, even if it was only for a short while. 

They all followed him down the start bar, and one by one, electrical surges came through the outlet.

Gordon emerged first, only to see Neo standing there with a whistle in his mouth and an old baseball helmet on his head, waving glow sticks around.

“Excuse me SIRRR, park your caboose outside my game room, PLEASEEE,” Neo said. “Game room’s too small. Too precious.” He blew the whistle, motioning Gordon out into the hallway.

“Alright, alright, jeez...” Gordon grumbled. “Keep your weird light sticks away from me.”

Neo blew the whistle again. “Thank you so much.”

Next to emerge was Bubby, who Neo was trying SO hard not to hug compulsively, instead choosing to blow the whistle again and wave Bubby out of the games room.

“Tch- Benrey, you really need to learn some hosting etiquette,” Bubby complained, scooching past them.

“Thank you,” Neo muttered.

Next was Coomer, who Neo KNEW was a ticking time bomb until he punched something, so they very quickly ushered him into the hall with everyone else. Then came Dr. G, and finally, Tommy- the two sane men of the science team. 

Neo quickly closed the door to the game room, pulling the whistle out of his mouth. “Okay bros, let’s go to the living room... also known as the Lesser Game Room. Also also known as the music room.” He took the lead once again, becoming the impromptu escort as the science team was left marvelling at Neo’s... strange choice in architecture.

It seemed Neo’s leg lamp was only the beginning of the... weirdness. On the walls were a bunch of sticky hands, presumably slapped there by Neo himself. Hanging from the ceiling in the hallways were some glittery skeletons- yeah, no surprise that everyone looked at Gordon when they passed those. 

As the group rounded the corner to the stairs, Dr. G stopped, squinting.

On the wall there, with an ornate-looking frame protecting it, was an image of... some sort of grotesque amphibian. 

“C’mon, doc, you can pay pilgrimage to Crazy Frog later,” Neo called, the rest of them already having headed downstairs. 

“...Pilgrimage. ...Right,” Dr. G said quietly, heading downstairs.  
He should have expected that Benrey’s... odd mannerisms would seep in now that he wasn’t in mortal danger, but this Neo was... truly another thing entirely.

Honestly, if he had to pick between Neo and Gordon over which one the alien was, he’d probably pick Neo.

Neo herded the group into the living room, inviting them to sit on the couch.

Then, after staring at them for a looong time, he went in to hug Bubby. 

“Bubby,” they said quietly, muffled thanks to Bubby’s coat.

“Benrey!” Bubby laughed, noogie-ing Neo’s hair. “I knew you’d do it. I didn’t want to have to kick your ass.”

“Bubby Bubby Bubby Bubby,” Neo repeated, beaming as they moved to squeeze next to Coomer on the couch.

“Benrey! You’re looking as spry as ever! ...A little different, of course, but Bubby tells me that’s because this is the ‘real you’!” Coomer greeted with a smile.

“Um, yeah, man,” Neo said, tucking their hair behind their ear with a cool confidence. “Name’s Neo. You can still call me Benrey if you waaant, but I picked the name Neo myself. So.”

“Like, from the Matrix?” Tommy asked, sitting on the nearby recliner.

Neo snorted. “YES, like from the Matrix.”

“...I take it you get that one often?” Coomer said with a laugh. Neo couldn’t help joining in. 

“Yeah- yeah. But I guess that’s what I get for naming myself after the guy from the Matrix. At least he’s coooool.”

“You- you’re kinda like him, M- Neo!” Tommy said with a grin. “You’re the one who- who knows how to work the fake world... Or, um, I guess it’s real to us... Real fake world?”

“Real real fake fake world,” Neo rattled off. “I mean, you guys are REAL real now, so you can do whatever you wanna. N’ I think...” He looked at Gordon, who was standing over him behind the couch. “Gordo went back in and out, so maybe you guys can go in and out too.”

They looked back up at the group. “Y’know, if you wanna be in Gmod or Flushed Away for the PS2 instead of the gamer pad.”

“Nobody wants to be in Flushed Away for the PS2,” Gordon butted in.

“You don’t KNOW that,” Neo whined.

“Anyways, um. I guess you guys are... welcome to stay? I only got one guest bed though. N’ that’s the evil mattress.”

“...What the fuck is an evil mattress?” Bubby asked, sounding like he didn’t believe it even more now that it came out of HIS mouth.

“The evil mattress is terrible. But it’s kinda my only guest bed. Um.. aside from the air mattress. But I’m borrowing that.”

Gordon rolled his eyes. “Oh, come on, I know mattresses. They’re just slabs of material. What’s so bad about that?”

“Gives people crazy backaches. So it’s evil,” Neo muttered.   
“But, anyways, I think... I think maybe I can download a bedroom map or something for you guys so you can sleep in the computer. And get good sleeps. No ragdolling.”

“Is that what you call it?” Bubby said, stroking his chin curiously. 

“Oh, but in the meantime, Neo...” Coomer started, as all of them stared at him, eyes hungry for answers. “Would you mind giving us a... tour of the house?”

Neo smirked, getting up. He knew they were all just confused about his decorations.

Good.

“Yeah, man. Gamer pad tour, here we go. First up... This room. It’s the living room slash music room. There’s my old- my old keytar,” Neo said, pointing to a keytar in the corner. “Pretty cool.”

“Play it!!” Tommy shouted, getting up from the recliner excitedly.

“Well...” Neo smirked again. “Can’t deny if people want a showww.” They picked up the keytar, lifting it onto their shoulders. Let’s see... it’s been a while. Did they even remember how to play...?

They played Shave and a Haircut quickly. Something that could always piss off at least SOMEONE in the room-

“You suck at this,” Gordon and Bubby said in unison.

There you go.

Neo cleared his throat, trying again. The room filled with the tone of an 80s synthesizer, and Neo played the first thing that came to mind. 

They were getting a bit... TOO into it, now, starting to sing along.

“From the moment that we met  
I've been awake like I've never been awake in all my life  
If I spoke your language I could tell you how I feel...”

He slammed his fingers down on the chord, erupting with emotion. 

“BUT YOUR LANGUAGE ISN’T REEEEEEEAL!” 

Neo stopped, quietly putting the keytar back down as everyone applauded.  
Everyone except Gordon, who was furiously fanning away some teal Sweet Voice. 

Why was he surprised?

Why was he blushing??

“Anyways. Neo music show over. I also got my records... dad lets me use his old record player, so of course I bought the classics,” Neo mumbled, walking over to the record shelf and pulling a few to show.

“We got Spirit Phone.”

“We got Crazy Frog.”

“And of course... Marina and the Diamonds.”

Neo held up a fourth one. 

“What’s that one?” Coomer asked. “It doesn’t have a label!”

“This is my custom record.”

Neo set it down, and started the player, as the team watched it, fascinated.

What sounded like a text-to-speech female voice started saying “Awooga” over and over again, until it ended with one unbearably long awooga.

Dr. G sighed. “I... don’t know what I was expecting.”

Neo put the Treasured Awooga back in its sleeve. “Hey, you old guys are into vinyls, right? Lemme know if you find some good ones. We can have a record partyyy,” Neo said with a goofy grin. 

They headed out into the hallway unceremoniously, and the rest of the group followed. 

“‘K, now, this down here is the clown room. This is where I keep all the clown dolls I find,” Neo said, opening a smaller door below the stairs. There was, indeed, a lot of little clown dolls. “Small but knowing clowns. Very fragile. Please do not touch please.”

He closed the clown room’s door, heading into the kitchen, which was remodeled to look like it was straight from the ‘50s.

Bubby squinted, stopping at the light switches. “Am- Am I reading this right? What the hell’s ‘party mode’?” He pointed to one of the labelled switches. 

“Turn it on ‘n find out,” Neo said, sticking his hands in his pockets. 

Bubby did so, and the kitchen’s lighting turned into disco lights. Gordon ‘oooooh’ed intensely, spitting out purple and green Sweet Voice. 

“Yo. Tommy. Analysis,” Neo said, pointing at his friend.

“Umm... Purple to greenery means he’s enjoying the scenery!” Tommy said helpfully. “I- I gotta agree. This is pretty great.”

“Hell yessss. Two votes for team Kitchen Party.”

Bubby turned the regular switch back on. “I still don’t get what the hell that’s for.”

“Aww,” Neo pouted. 

  
They walked out of the kitchen, taking a quick pit stop at Downstairs Bathroom- which was what Neo called it. The bathroom itself was relatively normal, which Dr. G and Bubby were relieved at, but Neo then proceeded to explain they wanted to turn Downstairs Bathroom into an ‘interactive gaming experience’, whatever the hell THAT meant.

The group followed Neo back upstairs, stopping to admire a pair of rainbow wax feet that Neo had on a kiddie table, appropriately dubbed The Gay Feet.

(They also paid pilgrimage to Crazy Frog.)

“Neo, if you don’t mind me asking, why do you have so much sticky hands on the walls?” Coomer asked, poking one.

“Big slappy,” Neo mumbled, answering absolutely nothing.

Neo stopped in front of a door that had a sign- “GUEST ROOM” written on it in kitschy Halloween text.

“This next room is not for the faint of hearts. Very scary,” Neo started, pushing the door open with an eerie creak. 

The only thing the science team could see was a giant plasma ball that Neo kept on, despite the rest of the room being dark. Neo flipped the switch, and everyone flinched when they saw a skeleton on the bed. 

“Oh- excuse me,” Neo said, batting the skeleton off the Evil Mattress. “Um, yeah, so this is the guest room? I keep all my old vacation souvenirs here. Along with the holiday decorations. And Jefferem.”

“...Please don’t tell me you named the fucking skeleton,” Gordon groaned.

“Rude. Jefferem deserves a name.” 

The science team moved into the guest room, inspecting what was effectively Neo’s storage unit, apparently. 

“Hey, what’s this?” Tommy asked, pulling out a perfect replica of a lamp of a certain draconequs from a certain children’s show.

“Put that back,” Neo huffed. “Past Neo crimes.” 

Past special interests were so embarrassing.

“Ohh... Okay!” Tommy said with a smile, stuffing it back into the shoebox he found it in. 

“Neo! You never told me you’ve been to Canada!” Coomer said, holding up a snow globe of the CN Tower.

“...I didn’t think I needed to, broooo...” Neo said quietly. “Okay, outta the storage unit... this place is lame.” They tucked Jefferem back in, turned the plasma ball back off, and exited the room, making sure the science team did too. 

The mortifying ordeal of being known, as they say. 

“Ummm okay. Next up we got...” Neo positioned himself in front of the game room. “This is the game room. You guys better not- not PUNCH anything, SPILL anything... these guys are like- are like my BABIES, man... They’re my prized possessions.”

Neo tapped their fingers together nervously. “So I don’t- I don’t want everyone in there all at once. You can come back later if you wanna. Or don’t. Iunno.” 

He scooted over to the final room, as Dr. G noticed that Downstairs Bathroom was called Downstairs Bathroom despite there not being an Upstairs Bathroom. 

“Okay, so, um. Here’s my room,” Neo said, waving his arms around. “Off-limits cos it’s mine.”

The science team sighed in disappointment.

“Yeah-no. You guys can have fun on my computer instead. Fair deal? Fair deal.”

The science team murmured to themselves, eventually disbanding and deciding that they’d let Neo have his privacy. 

“Soooo...” Neo looked at his watch. “It’s kinda, like, 4AM still... I think I gotta pass out soon. Lame human reflexes. Pretty stupid. You guys wanna head back to the ‘pooter?”

Bubby adjusted his tie nervously. “Well, we’d love to, but... some of us- NOT ME!- Are worried we might get stuck.”

“You won’t get stuck, man,” Neo said, patting him on the shoulder. “Once you pop, the fun do NOT stop.”

Bubby had no clue what that meant, but it sounded reassuring enough.

“Here. I’ll call you guys into the game room when I find a good bed map,” Neo said, slipping into the game room. 

The science team was left to talk amongst themselves.

“So...” Coomer said.

“So,” Bubby added.

“So!” Tommy chirped.

“...Fine. If I must say it... Neo is... more eccentric than we believed Mr. Ben-rey to be. Is that what we are thinking...?”

Everyone nodded.

“I really like it!” Tommy smiled. “He’s- he’s still the same old Mr. Benrey you guys hung out with, right? And now he’s even got cool stuff to show us! Like clown dolls!”

“Well, it’s still strange shit. Why couldn’t it be troll dolls? I want to collect troll dolls,” Bubby complained.

“My, Bubby, you’ve certainly been huffy lately!” Coomer said with a laugh.

“Of course I am! Back when I was trapped by that DAMN tutorial, I was forced to be nice! So I’ll complain all I want, thank you! I gotta get it out of my system SOMEHOW!”

“...Better troll dolls than yelling at Neo...” Dr. G said, studying his hands.

“Good job using your anger management skills, Mr. Bubby!” Tommy said with a smile. 

“Doc. Tommy. C’meeeere,” Neo said from inside the game room. 

“Ope! That’s our cue, dad!” The two of them headed in, and a yellow light shone from inside.

Looks like they were in.

“Alright, next, the old farts.”

“Hey!” Bubby scowled.

“We’re young at heart, Neo!” Coomer sang, patting Bubby’s arm as they headed in.

“...’K, you last, c’mon, Gordos.”

Gordon opened the game room door, standing in the frame quietly as Neo waited for him to move forward.

“I’m- not going back,” Gordon said all of a sudden.

“Huh? Why not, man? I got a cozy Gmod bed for you,” Neo said, patting the screen like he was patting bedsheets or something. 

“I...” Gordon found the words getting stuck in his mouth, instead humming a speedy stream of orange to blue.

“Dammit, man, I don’t speak your language. I dunno how you feel.”

Gordon cleared his throat. “I’m going to stay and make sure you don’t pull any shit.”

Neo blinked once or twice.

“...What.”

They laughed. “Duuude. This is my house!” Their laughter quickly turned into that Benrey Witch Cackle that was all too familiar to Gordon, and Neo leaned forward as the Benrey Smug Smirk appeared on their face.

“I dunno, man... I think staying in my house makes YOU pretty suspicious.”

“NOOOOO!” Gordon shouted, his tendrils wiggling in defeat as he spluttered, trying to explain himself only to get cut off by more cackling.

“Man... I got you. It’s cool, though. You can stay. I, uhhh... You gotta stay on the Evil Mattress though,” Neo said, getting up and stretching.

“Whoever said anything about sleeping?” Gordon asked, folding his arms.

“Uhhh... me? Right now? Neo sleepy,” Neo continued with a yawn.

“Yeah, but I don’t need sleep.”

“Well, I don’t want you watching me again. That’s kinda gay. An’ you shouldn’t be snooping, either... Just try itttt. You might have fun maybe.”

“...Fun? Sleeping? I find that hard to believe.”

Neo laughed, giving Gordon’s helmet a knock. “You won’t know unless you try, broooo!”

“Hmph... fine. But only for research purposes!” Gordon conceded. “...Then later, you should tell me about the game room.”

Neo’s eyes lit up. “You wan- You wan’ know about my games...?”

Was Gordon asking them to infodump??

Gordon nodded, looking away. “Gonna need to learn more about human stuff SOMEhow.”

Neo rubbed his hands together in excitement, leading Gordon to the guest room.

“OKAY BYE SEE YOU LATER HAVE FUN,” Neo yelled, before running off to his own room. 

Someone seemed excited.

Gordon sighed, hopping into bed- not bothering to take off his helmet or boots. Why would he need to?  
He turned to his side, only to see Jefferem tucked in beside him.

Hm... under the blanket, huh? Gordon wiggled himself under as well, and was about to move Jefferem away, but...

It was kinda nice, having someone to do the sleeping thing with.  
Even if it was a plastic skeleton. 

Gordon slowly wrapped his arms around Jeffferem.

Wow.

He was really cuddling with a skeleton.

He was LONELY. 

Gordon sighed. He could think about his horrible horrible loneliness later. Now, he just needed to... stop thinking. Close his eyes... breathe slowly, like he always saw Benrey doing.

Eventually, sleep came to Gordon, and he dreamed of a night in Black Mesa, under stars, where Benrey would invite him to the yeehaw, and they’d laugh about ever calling him a security breach.

It was nice.

Sleeping is nice. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god i have no idea what i’m doing. literally who let me describe neo’s house. im so sorry.
> 
> *note: orange to blue means “i wanna stay with you” :)


	3. Gordon Freeman Learns the Meaning of Hatred

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is what it says on the can.

Gordon woke up.

...Gordon... woke up.

Sleeping had actually worked out?

He turned to see Jefferem on the floor beside him, and the sheets slightly messed up. He thought to himself for a bit, gauging his emotions. It was like... it was like he had just eaten a fluffy cake or something.

Not necessary to live, but a nice treat, nonetheless. 

Gordon got up, stretching his torso from side to side. He looked around the room, seeing all the different souvenirs and storage stuff... he’d have to ask Neo about the world sometime. Somehow, he doubted Neo was a reliable narrator, but he was the only one available.

Speaking of Neo, where had that guy gone off to? He had more questions, and they were starting to be about their lifestyle choices instead of the world. 

Gordon headed out of the guest room, making his way downstairs with a yawn. He saw a couple of coloured lights go off in the kitchen, as well as hearing some sizzling- Neo must be using party mode while he cooks. 

He poked his head inside, and Neo turned around, waving. “Yooooooo. It’s Gordo Sleepyman!”

“Yeah, yeah, sleeping was tolerable,” Gordon said, waving them off.

“Told you the evil mattress was evil,” they said with a shrug.

“It doesn’t have anything to do with the fucking mattress! I slept fine... what are you doing?”

“Cookin’,” Neo replied, and to Gordon’s relief, they just seemed to be cooking some pancakes like a normal person. “You looked so peaceful there with Jefferem that I kinda didn’t wanna wake you for lunch.”

“Lunch? Neo, we skipped breakfast,” Gordon said crossly, furrowing his brow.

“Imagine not sleeping through breakfast? Could NOT be me. Breakfast is for loooosers,” Neo said with a laugh.

“I don’t know why I bother,” Gordon said, looking behind him. 

“Ah! Look, everyone! Gordon’s here!” Coomer said, leaning in from the living room doorframe. 

Gordon’s face flushed red. “NEO! Why didn’t you wake me earlier? Everyone’s HERE...”

Everyone laughed.

“Okay, okay... I’ll wake you up first next time,” Neo said, sliding one last pancake onto a platter. He brought the platter to the living room, and cleared his throat.

“GROUND RULE. If you get syrup or whipped cream ANYWHERE near the game console, I can and will kill you,” he said, before putting the pancake platter on a table near the living room’s couch. 

“You can’t kill me,” Bubby said confidently. “...But I’ll make sure the games don’t get dirty. Just in case.”

The group ate their pancakes, Neo putting on what was SURE to be an incredibly unhealthy amount of syrup and whipped cream. 

“You guys want sprinkles?” Neo asked.

“I believe I speak for... all of us, Neo, when I say... if you put sprinkles anywhere near our pan-cakes... We are going back in the computer,” Dr. G said, making a face. 

“Rude,” Neo said. “Kinda mean of you. To not accept my offering.”

“Your offering is disgusting, Neo!” Coomer said with a smile.

Eventually, everyone finished their pancakes, and Neo made sure they all wiped down their hands and faces at least three times before being allowed to touch his precious game controllers.

“We good? We all good?” Neo asked, looking over the group.

“You need us to wear rubber gloves?” Bubby said, folding his arms. “...That was sarcastic, by the way. Don’t make us wear gloves.”

Neo snorted. They pulled out four N64 controllers, looking at the group.

“Oh. Uh... This game’s four players, so I guess that means two of us gotta sit out,” they said.

Dr. G raised his hand silently. Bubby nodded in agreement. “I’ve never been fond of video games,” he muttered. 

“Cool. TOMMYYY,” Neo yelled, his volume spiking as he tossed one controller over. Then, he passed the other two to Coomer and Gordon.

Gordon stared at the controller, flicking at the joystick in the middle. “...What do you want me to do with this?”

“Play game, bro. We’re playing Mario Party.” Neo turned on their N64, putting in the cartridge they had brought downstairs with them. The screen flared to life, as the Mario Party 2 title screen popped up. Neo sat in between Coomer and Gordon, wiggling a little in order to get comfortable.

“‘Kayyy, which land should we pick. We got cowboy land, pirate land, space land-“

“LET’S DO SPACE LAND,” Gordon yelled excitedly. 

“Pft- what’re you gettin’ so excited about, Gordo? I thought Xen suckedddd,” Neo said with a chuckle.

Gordon huffed. “YOU suck, but I’m still playing video games with you.”

“Wowww. Gordon Rude-and-terrible Man. Gordon hates-Neo-man.”

“You started it!”

“I’m only picking Space Land out of the goodness of my heart,” Neo said jokingly, as they pressed the stage select.

The character select screen came on, and everyone got to pick their characters. Not that they really knew all that much about them, most of them being either old men or aliens, but, well... Neo wasn’t all too surprised by everyone’s picks.

Tommy went immediately for Yoshi, and considering the man’s apparent love for cute animals, it made sense.

Coomer went for Mario, because he looked like a “swell fellow who could throw a punch”. 

Gordon, however, picked Donkey Kong.

“Gordon likes funny monkey?” Neo asked, in what barely registered as a question.

“You got a problem with apes, buddy?” Gordon sneered.

“Nope. Not at all,” Neo replied, picking Princess Peach. Not their first pick out of all the Mario Party characters to ever exist, but the early games never did tap into the genius that was making Dry Bones or Boo or Blooper playable characters.

“Dude, you’re gonna have to run us through how this works,” Gordon said. He leaned closer to Neo, and before Neo could tease him about it, they realized it was the sitting equivalent of Gordon trying to loom over him. 

“If you don’t tell us how this game works, that’s pretty unfair. You’re gonna have the advantage. You’re gonna sabotage this fucking game, aren’t you?”

“Calm down, man. I’ll walk you through step one-“ Neo pointed at the screen, showing that once all the characters had changed into cute, space-themed apparel, dice appeared above their heads.

“Press the A button to roll your dice.”

“...And why are we doing that?”

“To decide which of us goes first.”

“Oh, I do love a good Game of Gambling!” Coomer said, smiling as he pressed the button. 

Everyone else pressed theirs quickly, too.

“Yes!” Tommy cheered, getting a 10. Neo was willing to chalk that up to RNG, but also, both Tommy and his dad were definitely definitely Entities, and one probably rigged that.

Well, as long as Gordon didn’t catch on.

Neo rolled a 6, Coomer rolled a 4, and finally, Gordon rolled a 1.

He spat out some red.

“Hmmmmm...” Neo said, poking the orb. “Red means gamer rage.”

“That doesn’t rhyme. This game sucks.”

Everyone giggled, and Tommy started his turn, rolling again. He got a 7, and landed on a blue spot. Neo went next, landing on a blue spot too. 

Next was Coomer, who rolled a 10, and had to choose whether to go left or right.

“Go left,” Bubby grunted. 

“Hm? You think so?” Coomer asked.

“It’s closer to the star, OBVIOUSLY!”

Huh... looks like someone was a bit of a backseat gamer. 

Gordon went last, and landed on a red space.

“Is that bad?” He turned to Neo, who nodded.

“Yeah- uh- means we’re having a 1-v-3,” Neo replied. 

The minigame screen came up, a roulette of minigames spinning around until they eventually landed on one- Shock, Drop or Roll. Neo knew that one- It was a game where the one player would make a rotator go back and forth, making everyone else fall off.

Gordon was gonna have a field day with this one. 

The instructions flashed onscreen, and everyone ‘oooooh’ed at what they had to do. 

“Oh, this looks like FUN! I can’t wait!” Tommy cheered, as Neo hit the start button. They could see a fire in Gordon’s eyes... looks like this was gonna be intense. 

The game started with a jovial cry of “START!!” and right away, Gordon was wrenching his controller left and right as he tried to get everyone to fall off.

“HA! You’re gonna have to try a bit harder than that, Gordon!” Coomer yelled triumphantly.

“Go right!” Bubby shouted. “No no, MY right! More, MORE-!” 

Coomer fell off. 

“Damn you to hell, Gordon!” He shouted, nearly throwing down the controller- Neo shot him a murderous glare. 

Meanwhile, Tommy, Neo and Gordon were still going at it, Gordon cackling evilly as he made the rotation go faster and faster.

“It’s no use, Gordooooo...” Neo teased. “I’ve got practice and Tommy’s got-“

Gordon flicked his joystick to the left, causing Tommy to drop off.

“...Instincts.”

**“Looks like it’s just you and me now, video-game boy,”** Gordon said darkly, his eyes flashing bright blue as the shadow under his helmet got darker.

“Neon blue means ‘I’ll beat you’!” Tommy said. “You better watch out, Neo!”

“No, it’s smelly Gordo who’s gonna watch out, cos I’m the best at Mario P-“

“Ahh...”

“ACHOO!”

Neo sneezed, accidentally sending Princess Peach to her demise.

“NOOOOOOO!” If Neo was talking in a video game, he’d definitely be clicking the mic.

“YEEEEEEEEESS!” Gordon cheered. “FUCK YOU GUYS! GORDON WINS!”

He pumped his fists in the air, celebrating and laughing as Neo pressed the next screen.

“Yeah, you one the minigame... I’ll get you back next time,” they muttered.

Gordon lowered his hands. “...There’s MORE?”

“Yeah, man. It’s a party.”

Gordon huffed, disappointed that he didn’t win the entire game. The next few turns continued without much problems, Neo walking everyone through the specifics of how Mario partied. They were all getting close to the first star, and the air was full of tension… and also Bubby’s LUDICROUS amounts of backseat gaming. Evidently, Gordon was the closest one to the star. He kept eyeing Neo, trying to see his utter pre-loss despair, but Neo seemed… oddly calm. Was he just not paying attention, or…?

“Neo! Your turn!” Tommy said, looking over to Neo. They opened the map, inspecting Gordon’s spot- one more turn and he’d be at the star.

They smirked. 

“...What are you doing?” Gordon asked quietly. He looked at Neo nervously, who was wearing the EVILEST smirk he had ever seen him pull off. 

“Hey. Check this out.”

Neo pressed his item button, and Peach pulled out a Warp Block.

Gordon shook Neo’s shoulder. “What are you doing?? What does THAT do??” 

The warp block was selected, and all of a sudden, Peach and Donkey Kong switched places.

Neo rolled the dice and got the star.

  
  
  


Gordon screamed. 

“FUCK YOU! STEALING MY GODDAMN STAR, WHO DOES THAT?! YOU LITTLE  **WEASEL** , YOU- YOU MISCREANT, YOU-”

He grabbed the closest throw pillow Neo had and started yelling into it, as he felt a weight leaning onto him. Neo was HOWLING with laughter. After he finished his screaming match, he waited for Neo to finish cackling. It always took him… a WHILE. 

“Haaaa… WHEW. That part of Mario Party is called BEING A BASTARD and it is an essential gameplay element,” Neo said with a wheeze, wiping a tear away.

“Intuitive learning! I like it!” Coomer said with a grin, also revelling in Gordon’s misery.

“Why didn’t you tell me this game was all about being an asshole?! NOW you’ve peaked my interest,” Bubby grumbled.

“Don’t worry, Bubby, you can backseat-asshole,” Neo reassured him. 

“You’re laughing. I suffer for your amusement…” Gordon growled, obviously still pissed off, but… not to murderous levels! So that was good. 

“That’s why you gotta pull a sneaky back on me, man. Gamer tip- you get to the Boo? You can PAY to STEAL my star. I’ll have NO STAR,” Neo explained.

Gordon’s eyes glinted with the thought of REVENGE. 

The game then turned into a cutthroat game of assholery, now that Neo had turned them all into Sith apprentices of being a dick. The goal became less about stars, and more about collecting coins so they could get to Boo first.

The minigames got HEATED, and one session of Bumper Balls almost threw Neo’s voice out with how hard he was yelling. It was a gauntlet, with no mercy and NO restraint. 

Eventually, Gordon got to Boo, and Neo was whining for his entire turn not to do it. 

“This is what you get, motherfucker,” Gordon said with a maniacal grin, pressing “STEAL A STAR”. Boo’s righteous fury came upon Neo, ripping the sweet, sweet star away from their grasp and bestowing it upon its RIGHTFUL owner, Gordon.

“I am now king,” Gordon declared.

Neo chuckled, taking it in stride. They waited for Coomer and Tommy to go, and they did so, relatively normal turn stuff happening. Then, Neo rolled the dice, and landing on their space, a block appeared.

“...Neo,” Gordon said hoarsely. “Why is there a block.”

The block revealed a star.

“ _ NEO.” _

“Oh nice.” 

**“HE CAN’T KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH IT!!”**

Neo comforted Gordon by patting him on the back once or twice. Times were rough in the living room. 

It was  _ on. _

On like Donkey Kong.

The game continued to ramp up in tension, a neck-in-neck race between Gordon and Neo. The rivalry was intense- perhaps more intense than it ever was at Black Mesa. You do NOT fuck around playing Mario Party. They were out to WIN. Gordon rejoiced when Neo landed on a Bowser space, only for his joy to turn into wails of anguish when Neo SOMEHOW got the “10,000 coin present” option, and Bowser literally didn’t do anything. 

Finally, the last turn was upon them. The last minigame was fitting- Honeycomb Havoc, a minigame built entirely around sabotaging each other. The beauty of irony. 

The game finished, and Tommy, by sheer luck, won.

Everyone leaned forward, waiting for the verdict. Gordon and Neo kept elbowing each other, squirming in place as the verdict came in. It’s… It’s…!

Mario?!

Everyone looked at Coomer like hungry hounds ready to tear someone apart.

Coomer grinned. “Well, gentlemen, it seems like you need to  _ ‘git gud’, _ as they say!”

  
  


They all erupted into laughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MARIO PARTY!! i decided i wanted to write this but realized mario party is hard to write so thats why this is a bit short. :)


	4. Bubby's Stage Name Is Macklemore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bubby, gordon and neo go thrift shopping in an epic journey for Thrift King!

_ Knowing what we know _

  
  


_ Knowing what we don’t know _

_ This is gonna change our- _

**_STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP_ **

Neo removed their earbuds, sighing. “Gordon.” 

“Mmm?” Gordon pivoted around on one leg, throwing it up in the air as he turned back to Neo. 

“You gotta stop tracking mud in the house, man. Look at your- look at your boots. They’re FILTHY.”

Gordon pursed his lips quickly, moving down and dusting off a few flecks of mud. “There. That’s better.” 

Neo grunted. He was not amused. “Okay, first of all. Mud bad. Clean good. Second of all… we’re gonna get you some new boots, bro.”

“New…?” Gordon said, scooting away. “No thanks. I’m good.”

“Gordo, you’ve been wearing that helmet n’ vest and- and stuff for… I don’t even know how long. We’re getting you NEW THREADS,” Neo said, poking Gordon in the chest. 

“Ugh, fine… If it’ll make you stop complaining about the mud. It’s not even that bad. Mud is NATURAL,” Gordon assured. 

“Not in this house it’s not.” Neo pushed Gordon out the door, only for them to bump into someone else. 

“So. New clothes, huh?” Bubby growled. 

“Ummmm… Yeah?” Neo stuck their head out from behind Gordon, who was dragging his heels and standing stiff as a board.

Bubby huffed, pushing his glasses up. “Neo, you know I love you, but if you think for one damn second I’m going to pass up the opportunity to accessorize my damn great self, you’ve got it dead wrong.”

“You’re so grumpy all the time,” Neo said absently. 

“BECAUSE I CAN BE, MOTHERFUCKER!” Bubby said with a grin.

Neo high-fived him, and shrugged, both him and Bubby pushing Gordon outside. 

Outside of Neo’s house was.. About as much of an anomaly that inside Neo’s house was. In the front lawn sat a clothesline, but instead of clothes, garden gnomes hung from the line, cardboard fire being stuck on them with tape. A conglomeration of frog statues were surrounding the clothesline, one of the frogs resting on a brick. Welded to Neo’s mailbox was one of those custom signboards, which spelled out “This week’s forecast: Gnome Salem witch trials”.

Meanwhile, on the other side, there was yet another skeleton- this time sitting on a bench in a sundress and sun hat. Of course. 

On the roof was a string of party lettering that spelled out “SONY CEO JACK TRETTON SURVIVED A NUCLEAR BOMB”, which Gordon couldn’t fucking possibly parse what THAT meant. 

Why were they like this? 

Neo opened the door to their fixer-upper of a car- Somehow, Gordon knew that Neo would have a bit of a lemon. He was somewhat surprised there wasn’t a wizard spray-painted on the side of it, though. Gordon got in, making sure to buckle his seatbelt. He glanced at Neo, who smirked. 

“Ooooh, smelly Gordo riding punchbuggyyyyyyyyy…” 

“Shut up,” Gordon muttered, blushing. 

Bubby got in in the backseat, looking pretty unimpressed at the two of them. “So? Where’re we headed?” 

“The thrift store,” Neo said, starting his car up. “Riiight in our budget.” He looked over his shoulder, backing out of the driveway. The group was on their way, and before Neo could put in their weird, WEIRD early 2000s beats, Bubby slapped their hand away from the CD player. 

“I found this one in your music room. I figure since I have to sit in the back, I should get to control the music!” Bubby grunted.

“...Mmmm, fair enough,” Neo obliged with a shrug. Bubby slid the CD in, and Neo started to tap along to the music. Gordon perked up- oh! Normal music!

_ Listen to the wind blow, watch the sun rise _

_ Running in the shadows, damn your love, damn your lies _

_ And if, you don't love me now _

_ You will never love me again _

_ I can still hear you saying _

_ You would never break the chain (Never break the chain) _

_ And if you don't love me now _

_ You will never love me again _

_ I can still hear you saying _

_ You would never break the chain (Never break the chain) _

Gordon didn’t know why, but he couldn’t tear his eyes off Neo. Those tired eyes, that greasy-looking hair… it all reminded him so much of Benrey. 

The Benrey he… was supposed to hate.

Did he still?

...Did he EVER? 

“Gordon, if you want a kiss that bad, you can just aaask…” Neo hummed. Gordon looked away awkwardly. He watched the trees zoom by through the window, until they finally came to a halt as Neo pulled into the parking lot. 

“C’mon, gang, let’s vamoose,” Neo grunted, unbuckling himself. Gordon and Bubby looked at eachother curiously- Bubby had never been outside of Black Mesa, and Gordon was… well… Gordon. What mysteries would this Store of Thrift possibly hold…?

The door was opened swiftly, and the three of them looked around, led by Neo to the first exciting stop- the shirts.

“Okay, so, um.. Go nuts. Call me when you pick out a few outfits or whatever. I’ll be looking for the customary clown doll.”

Neo walked backwards, directly into the coat racks, and vanished without a trace.

“...Hm. Shirt,” Gordon said, matter-of-factly. He started digging through the shirt section like a rabid dog. 

Meanwhile, Bubby was gracefully gliding from aisle to aisle, preparing to construct the PERFECT outfit. He had one goal in mind- a shining boon in sight that he WOULD grab no matter what. He plucked through the coat racks, intent to find what he was looking for- a leather jacket. Still… There were things that were… distracting him.

Bubby pulled out a MASSIVE faux-fur coat, whistling quietly. He studied it- it was fit for a king, and everyone knows Bubby was the KING of the thrift store. ...Well, he would be, once he got this coat on. Oh, and that leather top was to DIE for! Now he REALLY understood why Neo liked the thrift store. Bubby rummaged through the aisles, handpicking the PERFECT accessories for his King of Thrifting outfit. 

Gordon, meanwhile, wasn’t having much luck. This store was confusing, with clothes that were weird and not like his outfit at all! He didn’t really want to disturb Neo thanks to his pride, but… He kinda needed their guidance. He sighed, sucking up a breath as he prepared to throw away the last of his dignity.

He ventured through the store, looking for a vaguely raccoon-esque figure that he knew to be Neo. He found them in the shoe aisle, bumping into them.

Neo jumped a bit. “Jeez… I forgot you still do that. What’s up?”

Gordon stopped in his tracks, looking at what Neo held in their hands. “What… What IS that.”

Neo lifted it up to show him. “Look, dude. Baby shoes.” The shoes had a small compartment in the bottom which were, indeed, full of small, plastic babies. 

Gordon was stunned into silence, studying the mystifying Baby Shoes. How intriguing they were… how puzzling. He shook his head, holding up two T-shirts.

“Help?” He asked quietly. 

Neo looked at the two shirts for a long, LONG time. Then he sighed. 

“Gordon… You know even I can’t condone this.”

“What?!” Gordon frowned. “These shirts are GREAT. I just need to know which one’s better. C’mon.”

“Neither of them,” Neo said with a grimace. “Neither of them, ever.” 

“Enlighten me, then. Tell me what’s SO fucking wrong with my amazing shirts. Huh?”

Neo rubbed his temples. “Well, for starters, one of them just has TUNA written on it.”

“What do you have against tuna??”

“That’s not what you put on a shirt, bro…”

Neo sighed. “And that second one is about Wisconsin and farts.”

Gordon pouted. “I like Wisconsin.”

“You’ve never been to Wisconsin.”

“One day I could!”

Neo sighed. “C’mon, dude. I can find you something better.” He patted Gordon on the back, steering him back to the shirt section. 

“So, um, T-shirts? Usually pretty risky,” Neo said, popping his lips. “Easy to make, easy to reproduce… easy to bin.” He pulled out a shirt that just read “Where the Hell is Possum Kingdom?”. “You see what I mean?”

Gordon nodded. “I’m… starting to get it, yeah.” 

“But where else are you supposed to find a shirt?”

Neo smirked. “That’s where the sweaters come in.” 

The two of them hovered over a longer-sleeved rack, Neo pulling out a blue collared shirt that was slightly darker than Gordon’s current one, and a comfortable-looking hand-knit sweater. “Hey,” Neo said with a smile. “Now there’s a nice look if I ever saw one.” 

Gordon took the clothes in his hands, rubbing the soft yarn texture of the sweater. Something comfortable, but still somewhat formal. He hated to admit it, but what Neo had picked out for him was actually… Perfect. 

“What, you smellin’ grandma, bro?” Neo snickered, and Gordon blushed. 

“No. I’m… making sure there’s no razor blades. Fucker,” Gordon spat quickly.

Meanwhile, Bubby was rummaging through a miscellaneous bin. It was time to ACCESSORIZE. He had already found the perfect coat, a nice leather top, and an EXCELLENT pink skirt. Now all he needed was the crown to make him Thrift King.

And there it was… A massive, red, 10-gallon hat. 

The white whale. 

Bubby lifted it gently onto his head, breathing in the dusty air as he soaked in the glory of being a Master of Thrift. 

God, he was so fucking smart.

Now, the final step… To find the biggest set of platform heels in the store. Bubby walked from aisle to aisle, hunting for the perfect pair. Then… He found them. Absolutely MASSIVE pumps. The perfect finisher. 

And now, he could show Neo and Gordon just how badly he beat their asses at the thrift game. 

He wandered into the aisle where he saw them last, only to see Neo and Gordon- who was wearing a different outfit- staring at a low shelf.

“What the hell are you two doing? C’mon, stop it and look at this!” Bubby shouted triumphantly. 

Neo turned around, holding a clown doll in their hands. Their eyes widened at Bubby’s horrific getup, but they slowly gave a thumbs up. “Dude. You are the KING of thrifting.” 

Bubby laughed, adjusting his glasses. “THANK you. At least SOMEBODY appreciates art.”

Gordon’s newsboy cap slid down his head as he grunted. “You look ridiculous.”

“Yeah, like Mr. Foreigner here would know,” Bubby scoffed. 

“Guuuys… You both look dope. That’s the point. Makin’ something out of nothing. That’s why I love thrifting,” Neo said with a tired grin. “Whas’ important is that you like what you look like, I think.” 

Gordon tugged at the large, black sweater again, flicking the brim of his newsboy cap up. “It feels… Fine, I guess? You did a good job or whatever.” He couldn’t hide the faint red dust on his cheeks.

Neo laughed. “Hell yeah I did, cos I’m AWESOMEEEEE.”

“Not as awesome as me!” Bubby teased.

“Okay, okay, I beseech my crown to thee or whatever… we still gotta pay though?”

After another quick change, the group came up to the register- Bubby’s pile being the highest, Neo’s in second place (with the clown doll and Baby Shoes giving it that extra oomph), and lastly, Gordon, who only got the outfit and what looked like a beat-up old book about… something. Neo couldn’t read the cursive. Rorinse? Redmans?? 

Regardless, they all got their stuff, Neo opting to use the reusable tote bag he had brought. He chatted with the employee there as he put all the stuff in there. They seemed to be good friends, but Gordon couldn’t help but roll his eyes at the half-baked story Neo came up with to explain his new company. 

They walked out of the store together, Neo handing the book back to Gordon casually. “Here’s your reader’s digest, bro.”

“Thanks,” Gordon said quietly. He turned the front cover over, making sure Neo couldn’t see. ‘ _ A Gentleman’s Guide to Romance’. _ He needed to find out what this… FEELING he felt around Neo was. And fast. 

Neo, meanwhile, looked at his phone. Before he pulled up his GPS, he looked at the latest photo he took with a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BWAGH hi guys. chapters are kinda short for this fic cos ummm... im not good at writing fluffy domestic stuff!!! i am a funny laugh ha ha kinda person who moves fast. but um... you guys like my stuff and i dont wanna let you down so i gave it my best shot. enjoy thrift! :)


	5. A Gentleman’s Guide to Romance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon decides to finish this “romance” nonsense once and for all.

Gordon Freeman was pacing around the living room, reading a book...

A very special book.

A book he could use as a weapon to rid himself of these strange THINGS he felt for Neo.

It was old- dusty, wilting at the covers, wet damage, dry damage, you name it, but the title kept sticking out to him.

A Gentleman’s Guide to Romance.

Yes, this was the name of that human... DISEASE he had caught, that made it impossible to stare at Neo without a little red dusting his cheeks. 

This romance, if the book was correct, would be rid of itself if he followed the book’s steps exactly. Then, things could go back to normal and him and Neo would be... enemies? Friends? Inmate and warden???

They’d go back to being whatever they were currently. 

Gordon finally stopped his frantic pacing and sat down on one of Neo’s chairs, flipping open the first page carefully so as not to destroy it any more than it already was. One of his tendrils extended itself to hold the book in place, and he began to read aloud.

“The first step to pursuing your lady-love-“ Gordon stooped immediately. Neo wasn’t a lady. They were just... Neo. 

He’d just have to replace the words as he went along.

“The first step to pursuing your Neo is to tell them how you feel. This can be done with a confession. Any good and proper gentleman is polite enough to simply tell someone face-to-face, but perhaps you may fancy getting their attention first. Try sending a love letter from a secret admirer, or a singing telegram.”

Gordon stroked his chin... A secret admirer, hmm? One of his tendrils snakes around the coffee table, grabbing a pen and notepad Bubby had left there. Ripping off the first page that read “GREAT IDEAS,” Gordon slid it onto the table gently and began to write his letter.

So, the book said a proper letter begins with “Dear.” He did that.

“Dear Neoooooo...” Gordon started, writing it down with a flourish.

He looked back at the book, only to frown when the next instruction was simply to “write all your feelings out”.

Yes, he HAD feelings, but they were WEIRD and STRANGE and he wanted to get rid of them. What good would writing them down do? And he didn’t even know if that would work or not- maybe Neo would get the wrong message, or get offended, or- or cry, maybe?

Gordon sighed. He couldn’t risk it. He’d just write something neat and to the point.

“ROMANCE WITH ME NOW.”  
“Love, your secret admirer.”

He smiled. The first step was complete. Now to find more materials...   
Coomer had bought some envelopes and stamps for the express purpose of “sending mail to himself”, hadn’t he? Gordon could just borrow one or two of those. Nobody would notice.  
Then, he’d run to ‘get the mail’ for Neo, only to reveal his trump card- The secret admirer.

Gordon cackled evilly, rubbing his hands together as he dashed up the stairs with reckless abandon. He almost crashed into the Crazy Frog shrine when he saw Neo was heading the opposite way as him.

“Yo... Are you tryna rebel against Crazy Frog or somethin’, Gordo? So uncool of you,” Neo said in his usual monotone, flipping his hair out of his face. 

“No! Not at all.. Ha... we love this..” He looked at the shrine with a grimace. “This fucking frog.”

“Good.” Neo reverently gave the portrait a kiss. “Anyways, can you move, please? Gotta go check the mail.”

“I CAN DO THAT!” Gordon yelled, louder than he meant to. 

Neo cocked their head to the side slightly in confusion. Then, that signature Benrey-esque coy smirk crept onto their face. 

Oh, God, what was he about to make fun of?

“Oooh. Gordos gettin’ a little antsy, huh? Freeman wanna be free outside?” Neo chuckled. “Yeah, okay. You can get the mail. Uhh, check if my package has arrived yet. Y’know, the new shirt.” 

“New shirt?” Gordon asked quickly.

“Y’know! The one that just has Rocco Botte’s face on it!” 

“...Where do you FIND this stuff?- Nevermind. Okay. Rocco Botte. Got it. Thanks.” Gordon pushed past Neo gently to sneak into the guest room, grabbing an envelope and a stamp, and stuffing his finished letter in his pants pocket. Hopefully it wouldn’t get too... fucked up. 

He exited the house quickly with a jingle of Neo’s spare key ring. Luckily, this one wasn’t like Neo’s main key ring, so it didn’t have enough keychains to become a flogging whip. 

Still had one kinda funky skeleton keychain on it, though.

They sure loved skeletons. 

Gordon exited the cul-de-sac, using his natural sense of direction (...and Neo’s instructions) to navigate himself to the mailbox. It wasn’t too far from Neo’s house, as theirs was near the edge. 

He swung the box open, looking for anything- Nope. No junk, no letters, and certainly no Rocco. That was good- it meant nothing would distract Neo from the letter. 

Gordon sped home, giggling to himself.

The concerned old woman who lived next to Neo decided that the strange cackling man whose hair was wiggling wasn’t something she wanted to see that day and closed her window. 

Gordon swung the door open, nearly flying off the hinge himself as he stomped proudly into the house.

“GORDOOOON,” Neo shouted from upstairs. “BOOTS OFF IN THE HOUSE.”

“Tch- FINE,” Gordon grumbled, his boots flying off. He didn’t need to undo them. He slipped into the bunny slippers Neo had let him borrow, which were noticeably grime-free. They WERE softer than his snug boots... like the sweater, he supposed. 

Neo came down the stairs, hopping over a few. “So? What’s the stitch, G-dog? Package in yet? Neo get Rocco please?”

Gordon shook his head, adjusting his hat and pulling out the letter triumphantly. “No... but there WAS a love letter for you in the mail.”

Neo snorted, a smirk growing on their face. “Whaaat? For me? You sure this isn’t a- a computer virus or somethin’?”

Gordon frowned. “This is real life, Neo. Just take it.” 

“Haha, ooookay,” Neo said, still laughing to himself. He opened up the letter, pausing to read. Then, all of a sudden, Neo pulled down on his eye, sticking his tongue out.   
“BWUUUUGH, Gordoooon, you’ve gotta help meee, the letter had a viruuuuus...”

“Neo, this is serious!” Gordon pouted. 

Neo wrapped his arms around Gordon, making loud, annoying kissy noises. “You’ve got to heal me, brooo... All I want is kissesssss... Love-Neo’s gonna get yaaaaaa...”

Gordon snorted with laughter, trying to shove Neo off as Neo bursted into giggles as well. Eventually, they slid off, looking at Gordon.   
“So, uh... You asking me out, man?”

Gordon’s face went totally red. “I’M NOT YOUR SECRET ADMIRER, THOUGH!” 

“Duuuuude. There’s only one man I know who’d make a love letter say this,” Neo said with a sinister smile. “So, uh, wanna try it? Y’know. Date?” 

Gordon smiled nervously. “Um... be right back.”

He zipped into the living room, making a dive for the book like his life depended on it. He flipped to where he had left off, speed-reading to the next step.

“Uh... fuck... After you confess to Neo, take them on a date. Only the finest of restaurants will do, or a lovely stroll in the park with your formal wear.”

“OKAY!” Gordon zipped back into the foyer, grinning at Neo. “We’re going to Applebee’s.”

Neo frowned. “..Huh?”

“Get in a fucking suit or something. We’re going to Applebee’s.”

Neo groaned. “Gordonnn, I got SHIT to do, man, we can’t just go on a date NOWWWW...”

Gordon tapped his chin. He COULD use this time to study up on more Romance Tips... “Yeah. Okay. See you atttt... 6pm?”

“See you there, Gordo,” Neo said with a smile. 

Gordon hurried back to the living room, picking up the book. The sooner he could do this romance thing, the better, right? Okay, okay, next step.

“To woo Neo, the only step to their heart is flowers. Try to find some nice, red roses, and you will surely win them over.”

“Roses... How am I supposed to find roses when I can’t drive?” Gordon pondered to himself. He was a resourceful guy... he couldn’t let something like this stop him. No way, no how. 

He could get around this.

Gordon slithered out of the living room, glancing around to see if anyone was watching.

Coincidentally, someone was.

Dr. G was- Good God.

Getting close in peoples’ faces was GORDON’S job. This sucks.

“Uh... hello, sir,” Gordon said with a nervous smile. 

“What are you... doing, Mr. Freeman...?” Dr. G asked, narrowing his eyes.

“Uhhhhh... romance?” Gordon said with a squeak.

“I do feel the need to... re-MIND you, Mr. Freeman, that even if we do not know them as... Mr. Ben-rey, anymore, Neo is... still under my protection,” Dr. G said, narrowing his eyes. 

“I’m not going to HURT him, doctor,” Gordon grumbled. “That’d be stupid.”

“Hmm, yes...” Dr. G mused, looking away. “I suppose that would be... sssstupid. Even for the likes of you.”

“You see? I’m not doing anything wrong!”  
“...Hey, wait a second-“

Before Gordon could protest, Dr. G had warped away. He sighed. Suppose Gordon wasn’t the only one allowed to retain some power in real life... 

He grumbled, shaking his distaste off. Him and Dr. G had to just... get along now, considering both their threats had been “neutralized.” Whatever. It’s fine. Gordon snuck into the backyard, avoiding the pool of rubber ducks Neo had set up. He hopped the fence, slinging himself onto the neighbouring house’s roof using his tendrils.

Crawling onto the front yard, he saw it.

A perfectly cultivated rose bush.

All his for the taking. 

He dangled himself a bit lower from the roof, reaching with some more tendrils to grab a bunch of roses. He winced, feeling the sharp thorns attack his hair’s grip, but he shook it off, hauling the entire bunch into his hands. 

Success.

He crawled back to his backyard, just before the home’s owner went outside to water his roses.

Only for him to drop his watering can in confusion. 

Gordon crawled back into the house, dragging his hair across the kitchen table to find something to stick the roses in. He had a good enough understanding of how flowers worked to know those bad boys needed WATER. 

He grabbed a Big Gulp cup Neo had left lying around, filling it with water as he stuck the roses in one by one. 

How utterly... romantic.

Gordon shrugged. It’s what the book said, so it was fine.

He walked back to the living room, placing the rose arrangement gently on the table. It was awkwardly short yet tall thanks to Gordon’s hurried grabbing, but that was fine. He read the next step.

“If you are to woo Neo, you must show them how STRONG and CHIVALROUS you are. Perhaps carrying them to the restaurant door in a romantic fashion...”

Gordon sighed. Looks like the next steps were about the actual date. That’s alright, he had some time to kill. 

Neo kept all the Science Team’s clothes in the guest room, didn’t they? Surely he could find a suit in there. 

He scampered up the stairs, heading to the guest room. He made sure not to disturb Coomer, who was napping on the Evil Mattress. Gordon sifted through the closet, until his hands finally landed on something preserved in plastic. 

He pulled it out, only to see it was a light blue suit with a black shirt. Not really Neo’s style... how’d it get there, anyways?

Must have been a thrift find or something. Gordon shrugged, running to Downstairs Bathroom to put it on. It took a while, and it was a bit of a squeeze, but all things considered, when Gordon saw himself in the mirror, he was happy. 

He checked the time as he headed out, and was pleased to see the clock was nearing 6PM. He checked up the stairs, only to see Neo awkwardly shuffling down them in a formal-looking button-up.

Neo’s face immediately went red. “Gordon, that- Where’d you FIND that?”

“The guest room?” Gordon said, grinning.

“Oh... right. ‘S just... that was kinda what I wore to my prom date way back when,” Neo muttered, hair falling into their face. 

“Well, don’t worry, I’m sure I wear it much better than you do. Now let’s go,” Gordon said, patting Neo on the back and steering him out of the house.

“You’re driving.”

Neo grumbled, starting the car up. The drive was rather uneventful, the both of them pulling up to the Applebee’s quickly. 

Gordon got out, immediately grabbing Neo by the waist and holding him under one arm.

“Whaaaat are you doing...?” Neo asked quietly.

“Wooing you,” Gordon said matter-of-factly.

“...Do I even weigh anything to you?” Neo asked, looking up at him.

“Eh. Not especially.”

“Niiice.” 

Gordon shoved the door open, only to see a waitress showing up to greet them.

“Hello, sir! What can I get you and your...” Her eyes drifted down to the basketball grip Gordon had on Neo. “...Partner, today?”

“Table for two, please,” Neo said, holding up two fingers. 

The waitress was thoroughly weirded out, but nodded calmly and told them to follow her. Gordon set Neo down in the booth, slamming down the Rose Gulp Cup in the middle of the two of them.

Neo quietly started to lean over, looking like a nervous puppy. “Um... Gordon.”

“Yes?” Gordon said, leaning forward with a grin. 

“Um...” Neo gulped.  
“L-Listen. Gordon... um. If you’re trying to be more like a human, I respect that, I really do, y’know, you’re a bro, wanna learn about- about the world, but...”  
“But I’m not the guy for the job.”

Gordon frowned, pushing the roses further away from the two of them. “But- no, that’s not- that’s not what I’m doing, but you’re a human, right?”

Neo slowly put their chew necklace in their mouth, looking at the floor like it was the most interesting thing in the world. “I’m- I’m DIFFERENT, man. I don’t work like- like normal humans do. I don’- I don’ like a lotta noise, and some- some textures are bad, n’ I have meltdowns, n’ people don’t like PlayStation as much as I do, and... and and and...”

Neo went quiet, the rest of his sentence getting cut off by mumbling.

Gordon frowned. He tilted Neo’s chin up slowly. “Neo. I’m gonna tell you the truth.”  
“I wanted to go on a date tonight so I could finish romance and get these feelings out of my head... not because of humans or anything.”

Neo stopped. Then he started laughing. And laughing, and LAUGHING... He nearly fell out of his seat laughing.

Gordon frowned. “What? You WANT romance to not finish?”

“Gordonnnn... That’s-“ They wiped a tear from their eye. “You can’t just stop love from happening with some steps. It’s nice to feel. And cool. And a bit sexy even.”  
“...I like you a lot too, smelly Gordo,” Neo finished with a smile.

“But it’s too damn confusing!” Gordon pouted. “I don’t know what to do!”

Neo took his hand gently. “Listen, man, I can- I can teach you. I have- y’know? I have problems learning what the norm is too.”  
“Sometimes... sometimes we don’t gotta follow the norm.”  
“Sometimes love can be watching me play Frogger The Great Quest on the PS2.”

...That sounded a bit odd, but Gordon didn’t know enough about love to dispute it.  
He nodded, putting his other hand on Neo’s.   
“You’d do that?”

“‘Course, man. Every gamer gotta get through the tutorial somehow.”

They both smiled. Gordon looked away for a second. “And, uh, if it means anything. I think you’re doing a fine job of being human.”  
“They have a lot of rules. Weird ones.”

“They do...” Neo wheezed. “I guess-“ He stopped, swallowing nervously like he didn’t want to tell Gordon. “I guess being autistic and being an alien have more in common than we thought?”

Gordon laughed. “Maybe. That’s normal, though. I’m way out of this fucking world.”

“Just let me have this, man!” Neo giggled. 

Gordon looked around the Applebee’s. Neo did too.

“...Hey, man. Wanna go to the arcade instead? We can get chicken tendies there without getting judgemental looks,” Gordon whispered.

Neo smirked mischievously. “I know a place with the best tendies you can chick.” 

Gordon grabbed Neo’s arms, the both of them getting up and awkwardly shuffling out of the restaurant. Once they got outside, Neo ripped the button-up off, revealing the muscle tank they had been wearing underneath. Gordon, mirroring their movements, took off the suit’s blazer and tie, leaving just the button-up.

As they got into the car, Gordon looked at Neo. “Hey, I didn’t freak you out too much with your suit, did I?”

Neo smirked. “No, just reminded me of prom. Hey, wanna see a photo of me and my date?”

Gordon nodded. What was Neo’s date like, he wondered? Had Neo already mastered Romance without him?

He looked at Neo’s phone, and was surprised to see a horrific creature with a yellow balloon for a head and some sort of metal piping for arms and legs. 

“Um... Nobody wanted to go to prom with me for REAL, so I built my own date,” Neo said awkwardly. “This is Phillip.”

“And you didn’t INTRODUCE me to him? Fuck off,” Gordon said with a snort, shoving Neo playfully.

“He’d be sooooo jealous, dude,” Neo cackled. “It was for your sake!” 

“Alright, despite that answer being SUSPICIOUS, I’ll let you get away with it. Juuuust this once,” Gordon said with a wink.

“Tch. Gorbo so uptiiiight. Wanna maybe kiss about it?” Neo said on instinct.

He was surprised to feel Gordon cupping his face. 

“Um, yeah, a little bit!” Gordon spurted out awkwardly. “Let me show you how a true man... kisses...”

Neo frowned. “I’m throwing away that book you thrifted when we get home.”

Gordon laughed, and their faces moved together once their giggles died down.

Then Neo took off into the sunset, having only two things on his mind: Gordon and chicken tendies. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOPS! ALL FRENREY!!! neodon? freenell??? (fun fact neo’s last name is bushnell)  
> this took me a while to get out but i’m GLAD i did this turned out great   
> also to anyone who caught the not so subtle reference to my other au... hello :)


	6. Chapter 6: Fuck This Fish In Particular

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon and Neo go fishin’.

“Are we there yet?”

“Bubby. Bro. We’ll get there WHEN WE GET THERE.”

“Oh, I LOVE this song!”

“I don’t.”

“Mr. Bubby, you are... stepping on my foot again.”

“How did- how is that even happening? He’s in the front, you’re in the back...”

“WILL ALL OF YOU SHUT UP?!” 

Neo couldn’t really explain what he was doing driving the entire science team to the local lake. It was hard to explain, as everything in his life was these days.

It had STARTED with him talking in a group chat with some friends, and sharing some meme that said, like, “Fuck these six fish in particular” or something, and it escalated into his friends suggesting him and Gordon go on a fishing date.

Gordon, of course, was over the moon, considering fishing was quite the human activity, and it was BASICALLY just hunting in the water, right?

...It really wasn’t, but Neo didn’t want to ruin his good mood.

Then it all went downhill.

Coomer heard the word ‘date’ and practically squashed himself into the conversation, and neither Neo’s nor Gordon’s awkward stammering could stop Coomer from inviting himself and Bubby along for a double date.

...And then, of course, nothing in the house was ever safe from the strange government men’s prying ears.

So, more or less, that was how a meme became a date, which turned into a double date, which turned into a double-date-and-father-son-fishing-trip.

And that was why Neo felt like a chaperone on a field trip. Well, he always felt like that when the science team was all together, but the driving part really added to the experience.

Neo finally pulled to a halt, stopping his CD from playing Two Trucks any longer.

“‘Kayyy. We’re here,” they said, turning around and gesturing for everyone to get out. Neo went first, of course, feeling their galoshes squelch on the ground. 

The galoshes were so... foreign, but Neo was NOT going to ruin his Nice Sensory Clothes, so instead he wore a shirt he thrifted, some jeans buried in the back of his closet, and... the galoshes.

Gordon hopped out after, having no squelches at all, because he came in his guard boots.. of COURSE he did. He put on his bucket hat with a grin, it going along with the rest of the outfit’s theme- excruciating.

He wore his guard pants, but the shirt he wore was also a thrifted one- the Possum Kingdom one that had haunted Neo on their last shopping trip.

WOW, they looked like rotisserie shitheads. 

Next up went Coomer and Bubby, who wore matching Hawaiian shirts- it was totally off-vibe, but Neo didn’t really have the heart or the position to tell them that, considering them and Gordon were apparently going for clothing with the theme of Swamp Hags. 

Finally, Dr. G and Tommy emerged, the only ones to actually bring fishing vests. They had bucket hats, too, but theirs were far better than Gordon’s. 

Everyone stood in silence, staring at eachother in their groups of two. 

It became painstakingly clear that this was not a group outing but instead an unfortunate fishing trip that all 3 duos wished to enjoy alone.

“WE CAN CATCH MORE FISH THAN YOU,” Gordon blurted our all of a sudden. Neo looked over at him in a futile attempt to silence him.

There was no stopping the science team from their lust for conquest.

The Fishing War had begun.

Everyone ran off to claim different docks on the lake, and Neo groaned, rubbing their hands on their temples.

“Gordoooo... This was supposed to be nice and relaxing and- and cute, and I was gonna teach you how to fish...” 

Gordon patted Neo on the back, pulling him in closer. “Don’t you worry, Neo. We’re gonna make this so fucking romantic. Now, time to kick some grandpa ass.”

Gordon charged forward onto the dock, and to Neo’s surprise, kept going.

“-Gordon Gordon WHAT ARE YOU DOING-“

Gordon had slipped into the water.

Neo looked at him for a while, swimming under there... So that was definitely intentional.

“Yeah, okay, you- you do that. Watch out for my line.” 

Neo opened his bait box, sorting through the lures. One was missing, so obviously he had to replace it with a worm on a string. However, he decided to ignore that venture for now, and go the vanilla route, preparing to cast his line.

Gordon, meanwhile, was wading around near the dock water, a bit surprised to find how shallow it was. Although, it wasn’t entirely alien to him- there were small bodies of water like this on Xen. This body felt far less... electric. Spicy? ...Gatorade-y.

He trudged through the water slowly, his hunter’s eyes scanning for any signs of movement. 

Let’s see. Green plants, brown sand. Blue water. Green fish. Blue fish.

...Camouflage.

Gordon started trying to listen for vibrations in the water, and then... he found it.

La creatura.

Like a whip cracking in the desert, Gordon’s hair broke surface tension, sending a splash rippling high above the dock. The fish fought and struggled against Gordon’s vice grip, but the tightness of Gordon’s tendril around the fish’s body eventually won out against the surface tension. 

Gordon dangled his prize in the air, laughing triumphantly and wiggling it in Neo’s face.  
“Look! See that? I’m fucking amazing at fishing!”

Neo groaned. “No fairrrr! You have crazy alien powers and I have shitty human powers like- like seeing static if I stand up too fast. You’re cheating. Little cheater man.”

Gordon growled. “It’s NOT cheating, it’s using my natural skills.”

Neo smirked smugly with that Benrey-esque charm. “Nope. Definitely cheating.”

“Fine! I’ll show you how great I am even without my hair!” Gordon shouted.

“...So you’re gonna come up and join me on the deck?” Neo asked flatly, already knowing the answer.

Gordon’s response was simply to dive underwater.

Neo laughed as soon as he knew Gordon couldn’t hear him. The guy always had his very own, special... Gordon way of doing things. It was a natural knack for uniqueness, one that had taken Neo years to pioneer. 

It was a total, like... Tarzan Two Earths One Family moment.

He thinks.

Neo’s bad at metaphors.

Gordon emerged from the water, yelling about a fish, only to realize what he had in his mouth was not a fish, but actually a rock.

He spat it out in embarrassment, sinking below the water as Neo reeled in a big’un.

Gordon swam deeper into the lake, hunting for any fish he hadn’t disturbed with his thrashing about. 

The fauna and flora of the lake were far more spread out, making the fish easier.. yet harder to find. He concentrated harder, looking for a flick of a tail or a nibble at bait. 

Any second now... 

THERE!

He saw something bright and wiggly and immediately dove to get it, only to realize too late that it was... a lure.

Gordon came back above water, looking like a guilty child as Coomer stared down at him in confusion.

“Er. Gordon, why are you sabotaging our fishing trip? I AM going to have to kill you for this.”

“What- No! I’m just here by accident!”

Bubby lit up his hand.

“-OKAY LOVE YOU TOO BYE,” Gordon said hurriedly, ducking back down under the water.

Attempt number two... Gordon dove in between some plants, and-

Fuck! There it was!

LA CREATURA!!

It was enormous... certainly the catch of the day. Gordon grabbed it with his teeth, fighting the fish for dominance all the way to Neo’s dock.

He emerged from the water, victorious.

“MMM! MM-MM!” Gordon shouted, his grip on the fish muffling his voice. He grabbed the fish out of his mouth, and wrestled with it as Neo applauded politely. Gordon dunked it back in the water, and he and Neo high-fived.

“....I still don’t see why we need to put them back. Why can’t we eat them as hunting trophies?” Gordon asked, treading water as he leaned on the side of the dock.

“Uhhhh, ‘cos it’s nice, and I like being nice?” Neo said, ending his sentence like it was a question.

Gordon sighed. “I HATE being nice.”

“Well, if we’re nice to the fishies, then we’re nice to the planet, and if the planet is nice then it’ll be nicer than Xen,” Neo replied.

“Tch- deep cut.”  
“...Deep but true,” Gordon muttered. “Xen may be no human pollution hell, but it was still miserable.”

“This is getting depressing,” Neo said, reeling in another one. “Heyyy, look, it’s a runt.”

Gordon snickered. “You’re a runt.”

“Okay, bye-bye fishy,” Neo said, dumping it back in.

The two of them relaxed for a bit, before Gordon quietly reached a wet hand out onto the dock. Neo took it, ignoring the squelch of excess water Gordon had brought with him.

It was a little gross, but you do gross stuff in the name of love.

They spent a while looking out at the lake, just taking in the calmness of a body of water without any waves... really feeling away from the world’s hustle and bustle.

Then Gordon pulled Neo in.

“BROOOO,” Neo yelled, squirting water in Gordon’s face. “Why you gotta be so mean?”

“One last fish... Gordon-style. 3, 2, 1, GORDON!” Gordon yelled, and Neo cackled, both of them diving underwater in a race to get as much fish as possible.

They swam past an abandoned speedboat, and some other lure, until finally they closed in on one feverishly swimming away from them.

Gordon propelled Neo forward using his hair, and Neo made the grab, both of them emerging and cheering wildly, as Neo wiggled the fish back and forth and ended up flinging it right in Gordon’s face.

After a ten-minute swim back to the dock, they then had to explain why in God’s name they were soaking wet.

...Nothing is ever normal in this house, is it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> based on something in an rp i said i’d describe... you know who you are   
> also i missed neo so i wrote this


	7. Do You Think Walmart Will Accept Orion's Belt In Returns? I Have A Gift Receipt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> freenell yearning... [spongebob voice] AT NIGHT!

Bad days notwithstanding, Neo usually prefers to spend their nights sleeping like a normal person would so that they wouldn’t have to wake up groggy the next day. 

However, some commotion from downstairs would make this considerably more difficult. 

At first, Neo thought it might be Bubby and Coomer, but it was only one person- maybe Tommy was poking around? No, that wouldn’t really explain the quiet romance music coming from his vinyl player. 

That was such a Gordon thing to do. 

Neo quietly descended the staircase, feeling the wood, crisp and cool, under his hand. The air was still, almost reverent, and the moon cast an eerie glow into the empty foyer. Neo let himself walk into the moonlight, coming up on Gordon’s back as his boyfriend continued to stare at the window, seemingly lost in thought. 

The vinyl crackled.

“That’s one of my dad’s old records,” Neo said quietly. “It’s not really my style.”

“...Do you like it?”

He came to a stop near Gordon, whose eyes flickered in and out of focus, looking at each of the stars in the sky. They glowed teal for a second, and Gordon looked over at Neo, subconsciously weaseling closer to him as he had done so many times in the past.

“I… don’t really have that much experience with this. Music stuff. But, uh, it makes me feel good… I think?” Gordon muttered. 

Neo smiled. “That’s the best kind of music. S’the type that makes you feel good.”

“Y’know, if you- if you like this sorta old stuff, we could probably go hunting for records… thrift stores have the craaaziest vinyls, bro.” He laughed.

The song continued on, and Gordon didn’t break eye contact with Neo- it’d almost be as threatening as Gordon’s stares used to be if his mouth wasn’t fit with a crooked smile. It was obvious he was just… soaking up the cheesy lyrics the woman on the record sang about silly things like love and truth and holding hands. 

His smile faltered a little, though, as he shook his head. “Oh… Sorry. Did I wake you up with the whole… music thing?”

“MaybealittlebutmaybeIwantedthatokay,” Neo muttered, stuffing their head into their hoodie.

Gordon blushed, and both of them stood there awkwardly. Neo sighed, grabbing Gordon’s hand and pointing it towards the window.

“Hey.”

“Stars are out tonight.”

Gordon blinked in surprise. 

“...So they are.”

Gordon had seen the stars a million times- at least, in Xen. They were little dots in the sky, billions of lightyears away, so he always assumed they’d be the same old dots in real life, too. 

He wasn’t entirely wrong- the stars were still just dots- but there was something about them that felt more… special.

Maybe it was just real life being prettier again. Maybe it was the fact that they were finally real.

Maybe it was the fact that him and Neo were looking at the same stars. 

“Dude… Haven’t stayed up to just look at the stars in forever,” Neo said, eyes sparkling. 

“Oh, right… that sleeping business,” Gordon joked. “See? Now you know what you’re missing.”

“I would stay up all night if I could but that makes us fucked up and evil. One time I stayed awake for two days and then drank Neo Juice then died.”

Gordon was almost taken out of the romantic moment by that horrid array of sentences Neo seemed to want to pass off as a ‘story’ that ‘needs no further explanation’. 

...Almost.

“I’d rather sleep, then. Don’t want you drinking dying juice.”

“You should try it sometime, dude,” Neo said.

“...Neo Juice?” Gordon gave him a look.

“No, dummy. Sleeping.” 

Gordon raised his eyebrows quizzically. “But. I don’t need to.”

“Might be nice, though. I mean, I don’t need a wall full of sticky hands.”

“...I mean, like, I totally do, but you get it.”

Gordon hummed, putting a hand to his chin. “...I’ll consider it.”

Neo laughed. “So serious. Gordon Seriousman.”

“Enjoy the staaars… Then go to the bedddd.”

He pressed his face against the window.

“That line up there, that’s Orion’s Belt.”

“...Where’s Orion?” Gordon asked, coming up behind Neo and pressing up against his back.

“Oh, I dunno. I stopped paying attention after I got told where the belt is.”

“A belt. That’s what you remember,” Gordon replied with a snort.

“Actually, for a while I thought there was just a real belt up there. Chillin' in space.” Neo laughed, leaning back on Gordon and resting his head under his. “I wanted it so bad… Put Orion’s Belt under all my birthday lists n’ cried when my dad said he couldn’t get it.” 

“I’d get you that belt,” Gordon muttered quietly. 

“I’d make a belt out of stars.”

“Stubborn Gordo,” Neo said quietly. 

“...But that’d be neat.”

Both of them closed their eyes. The room was quiet, save from the sounds of the music. 

Gentle light began illuminating Neo’s face. He cracked an eye open, only to see those rainbow orbs he had come to associate with Gordon… and of course, his boyfriend was humming quietly.

Neo sighed contentedly and closed their eyes again, both of them swaying along to the vinyl as Gordon struggled to keep the tune, even with the help of his Sweet Voice. 

Eventually, both of them, wrapped in each other's arms, aimlessly started half-walking half-dancing around the room- neither of them totally sure what they were doing. All they knew was that they liked it. 

“What did I ever do to deserve someone as special as you, huh?” Gordon asked quietly, arms squeezing around Neo’s plushy sweater.

“Well, one time you helped a headcrab who had fallen on its back. And karma made me show up, I think,” Neo replied without second thought. 

Both of them laughed, falling onto the couch together. 

The stars bearing witness to their dumbassery. 

Neo sighed happily, and the two of them lied there together for a while, but after a few minutes, Gordon could feel the slow rise and fall of Neo’s chest on his own- they had fallen asleep. 

Now it was his turn. 

Of course, he had slept before, but having Neo beside him made it far more special.

He sighed, resting his head on Neo’s.

“Goodnight.”

“I love you.”

“...Security breach.”

Neo exhaled with a smile and whispered something back.

“Pigeon perch.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry to literally every hlvrai fanfic i have but i have adhd and the writing muse is hard. please take gay people as an apology

**Author's Note:**

> HAHAHAHAHA YOU CAN’T GET RID OF ME THAT EASY. this multi chapter fic doesn’t have any source material as a crutch so it might be a little wobbly but honestly so many people have asked me about the postgame that i knew i had to provide SOMEHOW... don’t worry i won’t leave you guys in the dark about the science team for long. theyre comin :)


End file.
